Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next