I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!