Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.