Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
got so much cardio in today
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.