[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
constantly working on myself.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”