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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.