KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I was bored.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
my father died in a conga line and so shall i