My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I have never related to anyone more.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉