[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You Might Also Like
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
getting old is fun
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.