Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
You Might Also Like
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.