Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
#StillHurts
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows