GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
This came to me in a dream.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.