Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are