Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
honestly, i need both:
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”