“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…