The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals