A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato