Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?