I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
dude it’s called proctologist
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING