“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
that lip filler tho
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Basketball
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum