So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.