[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
they should invent a rest for the wicked
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
you gotta be faster
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.