I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
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Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.