Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
A friend sent me this.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no