date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Time for evil
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*