me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.