It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.