The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
how much does a mortician urn in a year
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
#JohnTravolta
They did not miss in the small print
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
tis the season
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.