Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.