If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool