I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.