I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain