Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.