ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
me and my fake scenarios
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”