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Just why bro?!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
OH. COME. ON.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.