i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
This has made my week.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
#Caturday
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
sigh
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.