Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You Might Also Like
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen