*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
accurate
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.