Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.