the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
oh my gosh!!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?