That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”