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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
my favorite genre of twitter
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats