Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You Might Also Like
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
listen closely
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.