I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.