Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Lmfaoooooo
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.