going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Everyone’s family
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.