Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Hello Twits.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.