Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Google assistant rules
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.