*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Some people were born into their job.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired