Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*